Goodbye, and Hello.

You know that question “are you ok?” Have you ever responded to it with “I’m fine” even though you clearly weren’t “fine” at the time? Getting into the nuances of the honest response would take up way too much of the questioner’s time and that’s what I pay the professional for, amiright? It kinda feels like a long, slow drowning. But today … today I decided to swim.

Ok, I know I was going to get this whole journey started on the 1st, but something came over me today and I attacked my neglected bedroom. Since once of my goals (which I haven’t announced yet) is to rid my entire closet of all ill-fitting clothes and unwanted items, and another of my goals was to make my bedroom a space both my husband and I actually want to be in, I figured I better not get in my own way.

This morning I was sitting on the couch watching tv with my four-year old when I realized his engagement with the movie was at zombie level, so I had a good two hours before that trance would break. Something snapped in me and taking full advantage of my newly realized semi-freedom, I raced upstairs with trash bags and empty cardboard boxes in hand. Time alone is precious in this house, folks.

I franticly ransacked my closet and dresser drawers like never before. Anything that didn’t fit me TODAY at THIS VERY MINUTE was stuffed in a bag to be donated or to be mailed to for trade-in credit. It was all feeling so real. I was actually doing it!

But I can’t just write this without mentioning how ridiculously difficult it is for me to depart with my clothes. I see clothing I used to fit in, from a very different time in my life, and feel like if I get rid of those items I am somehow throwing away a previous version of me, along with all my hopes of ever rebooting her. I have struggled with mourning her and the self-assurance she possessed … her poise, her driven work ethic, her body shape and young face. She was once a force and her disappearance was like suffering the death of a best friend. I am slowly beginning to accept and welcome the new version of me, and to appreciate her accomplishments. This body did give my husband and me our baby boy after all! No easy feat and one with lifelong physical and emotional changes. So, once “new Jaime” masters the self-love she deserves she’s going to buy herself a whole new closet of clothes, because she deserves that, too.

The clothes that made the cut now hang nicely in my closet with plenty of breathing room. My feet have also gained a size since having my son, so deleting more than half my shoe supply has freed up some shelf space for new kicks! Too bad I hate shoe shopping. Give me all the flip flops!

By the end, I had amassed six bags of clothing, shoes and trash . My dog was right beside me through the entire process, offering me support like only a sleeping canine can.

In addition to purging the clothes of my closet and dresser, I also went through our random drawers and bags and boxes that have collected in our room over the past several months. My husband and I rearranged the furniture and now it feels like a whole new space. I have a duvet cover set being delivered from a Pottery Barn clearance sale and when that arrives I know the room will feel just a step closer to our end goal: serenity.
Next up for this room: finally getting rid of the god awful pink/tan paint. I. Can’t. Wait.

The happiness that just these few hours of effort have given me is immeasurable. I’m proud of myself for casting aside the overwhelming negative thoughts that tried to get me to quit or “save it for another day.” Recognizing my accomplishments, large and small, is a big part of my accountability journey. If I can track even the smallest of successes and cultivate the confidence it breaks, soon I’ll be able to conquer anything! Yes, there are other things I could have done in place of this, but I’m not convinced those other obligations would have made me this happy. Sometimes you just have allow yourself to do what makes you happy.

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